I have a bad habit.
It’s kind a defense mechanism, really, and I only started doing it once my anxiety got bad within the past 2 years. But I can tell you all the reasons why I do it, and they can all be legitimate reasons, but it doesn’t make it okay that I do it.
I have a tendency to go on a bit of radio silence. I start by ignoring emails, then I stop responding to text messages. Before you know it, I have 50 unread emails, 10 unread text messages, 3 Facebook notifications … and don’t even get me started on Twitter.
Like I said, this is 99% due to my anxiety. When I get overwhelmed by things and life, the easiest way for me to deal is by shutting out the world. Before you say anything, yes, I am 100% aware that this isn’t healthy. And yes, I am trying to get my anxiety under control. But it’s not right now, and this is how I deal with things, because it’s better than having an anxiety attack.
Usually, my blog is exempt from this. Probably because it involves me interacting with people without directly and immediately interacting with them. If that makes any sense. And my job is exempt from this since, you know, I like having my job and can’t ignore emails.
I never used to be this person, and I hate being this person. But it takes so much of my mental energy to remind myself that this isn’t just a bad habit. Anxiety is an actual condition, and actual issue, and isn’t just me avoiding people. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety – it isn’t me claiming that I have anxiety for the “romance” of it. Which is a bs thing to accuse someone of (or to do) in the first place.
I don’t really know what the point of this is. Maybe it’s to say that you only see what I share with you, so if you ever think that I have it all together or that I’m being adorably self-deprecating when I talk about how all over the place my life is, don’t worry, you’re wrong. Maybe it’s to say that sometimes I don’t respond to comments for a week or more because I struggle with my email sometimes. Maybe it’s just to get this off my chest.
Maybe it’s because I like to show the real me, and not just an image of who I might be.
I’m not 100% sure, and that’s okay. But if you have anxiety and you feel bad about it or you feel alone, you’re not. There are so many people out there dealing with it and struggling with it each and every day. You are not alone. You are not crazy. Or you’re at least not any crazier than the next person.