Lifestyle Uncategorized

Confessions – Bad Habit

I have a bad habit.

It’s kind a defense mechanism, really, and I only started doing it once my anxiety got bad within the past 2 years. But I can tell you all the reasons why I do it, and they can all be legitimate reasons, but it doesn’t make it okay that I do it.

I have a tendency to go on a bit of radio silence. I start by ignoring emails, then I stop responding to text messages. Before you know it, I have 50 unread emails, 10 unread text messages, 3 Facebook notifications … and don’t even get me started on Twitter.

Like I said, this is 99% due to my anxiety. When I get overwhelmed by things and life, the easiest way for me to deal is by shutting out the world. Before you say anything, yes, I am 100% aware that this isn’t healthy. And yes, I am trying to get my anxiety under control. But it’s not right now, and this is how I deal with things, because it’s better than having an anxiety attack.

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Usually, my blog is exempt from this. Probably because it involves me interacting with people without directly and immediately interacting with them. If that makes any sense. And my job is exempt from this since, you know, I like having my job and can’t ignore emails.

I never used to be this person, and I hate being this person. But it takes so much of my mental energy to remind myself that this isn’t just a bad habit. Anxiety is an actual condition, and actual issue, and isn’t just me avoiding people. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety – it isn’t me claiming that I have anxiety for the “romance” of it. Which is a bs thing to accuse someone of (or to do) in the first place.

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I don’t really know what the point of this is. Maybe it’s to say that you only see what I share with you, so if you ever think that I have it all together or that I’m being adorably self-deprecating when I talk about how all over the place my life is, don’t worry, you’re wrong. Maybe it’s to say that sometimes I don’t respond to comments for a week or more because I struggle with my email sometimes. Maybe it’s just to get this off my chest.

Maybe it’s because I like to show the real me, and not just an image of who I might be.

I’m not 100% sure, and that’s okay. But if you have anxiety and you feel bad about it or you feel alone, you’re not. There are so many people out there dealing with it and struggling with it each and every day. You are not alone. You are not crazy. Or you’re at least not any crazier than the next person.

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5 Comments

  • Reply Sarah Farris

    I know the feeling completely! Instead of ignoring everyone, though, I want to be around people. However, once I do that, I get more anxious and upset. It's a fine balance that I have to find.

    May 13, 2014 at 1:30 pm
  • Reply Alison

    I also have suffered with depression and anxiety for most of my adult life, so I can kind of understand how you feel. You are not alone, either! I hope that you feel better and less overwhelmed soon. Being anxious is no joke. ::hug::

    May 13, 2014 at 3:00 pm
  • Reply Cat

    I completely understand the feeling — I avoid everything when life gets to be too much, and then I get overwhelmed by how much there is to do, and then I keep avoiding it. I've found some pretty decent coping mechanisms lately, and it has gotten a lot better. It took me ages to get to this point though! I hope that you find peace.

    May 13, 2014 at 7:34 pm
  • Reply Marla Rogers

    You definitely aren't alone…I don't have anxiety but I am really guilty of radio silences and just disappearing off the face of the earth for forever. I can think of three people right now that I owe texts to, more that I owe emails to. I don't know…sometimes I think we aren't supposed to have as much contact with other people as we are exposed to nowadays. Either way…thanks for posting this ♥

    May 14, 2014 at 2:03 am
  • Reply Alissa

    I'm not alone.. It's a comforting feeling anyone goes through this too. I don't wanna go back to when I was really downhill. I did what you did too and it's a horrible feeling. My blog has been my escape. I think I'm stronger now. I still have social anxiety in me but I learned to live with it (at least I'm not depressed and not anxious all the time)

    http://thewallflowersecrets.com

    May 14, 2014 at 2:03 pm
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