Relationships are tricky for anyone of any age. There’s a lot of give and take and everyone has some sort of baggage. But what about when your baggage is up front and center? In my case, my baggage is my chronic pain that comes from my chronic illnesses, inflammatory arthritis (we currently think it’s psoriatic) and fibromyalgia. So today it’s time to talk about what happens when you mix relationships and chronic pain.
Relationship Problems If You Have Chronic Pain
Having chronic pain and/or a serious health condition scares people away: Like I said earlier, everyone has baggage but ours is just upfront. I completely understand why someone might hear that I have a severe case of a psoriatic arthritis and then not want to get involved. Who wants to sign up for a relationship with (and possibly falling for someone) you know has serious health problems? Who wants to sign up for watching someone they care about be in pain, sometimes seriously? That being said, know that the ones worth having will be there anyway. And you don’t want to be with someone who can’t deal with your health issues.
You can’t do date ideas that other people can: We can’t do a lot of things other people can and our energy is limited, and that can be an issue. So get create and proactive so that if someone suggests an activity you can’t do, you have a list of suggestions instead.
You have to bail all the time at the last minute because of pain: This is honestly the worst part of it all. I hate canceling plans. I hate disappointing other people. And I hate making other people think that it’s their fault. And while I know that I’m not alone in feeling this way, these intricacies of living with chronic pain are not always obvious to people who don’t live with it. So if you’re seeing someone and you have to cancel at least once, make sure that you vocalize how you feel about this situation. They may not know that you hate doing it or how you feel about the whole thing in general. And if you can, offer a replacement or alternative to the plan.
What You Should Know if You’re Interested in Someone with Chronic Pain
Chronic pain affects our lives in so many different ways. It can affect our energy, our sleep, our appetite … pretty much anything.
It isn’t reliable: We can feel great one day and horrible next. And even if we know generally when we feel better or worse, we can’t predict everything.
If we have to cancel things, it’s probably not related to you. Even if we have to cancel regularly.
Everything takes takes a lot out of us. You really, really should read about spoon theory, which is a great way to understand what it’s like to live with chronic pain.
Other things you should know about loving someone with chronic pain
(PS – There’s a Twitter chat about relationships with chronic illness and everything involved. It’s #chronicsex and check out Kirsten Schultz on Twitter for more information.)
How has having a chronic illness affected your love life? Do you have any tips to make the whole thing easier?
[bctt tweet=”What you should know if you want to date (or are dating) someone with chronic pain”]
Like this post? Check out:
Loving Someone with Chronic Pain, Dating with a Chronic Illness, How To Help Someone Who Has a Chronic Illness
Kate Mitchell is a blogger, chronic illness patient, and advocate who helps people understand chronic illness and helps chronic illness patients live their best lives.
Yes, yes, yes. My last boyfriend didn’t understand why I could barely sit and watch a movie with him. But honestly, being still for 3 hours hurts really badly for me. Same goes for me not being crazy about super late nights: lack of sleep –> more pain.
I would also say that a challenge is getting your significant other to not view you as an object of pity. Yes, I hurt all the time, but I’ve gotten used to it. It helps me so much more if you accept my limitations than feel sorry for me.
Yeah, finding that balance can be difficult. But being patient, upfront, and honest about it (and having the right partner) can make all the difference!
I would invest in a new computer or a writing class of some sort!
I would use it to get another iphone. Mine cracked and they cost an arm and a leg now. Boo!!!
I would love to use the money for craft supplies.
I would buy clothes for my new baby.
I would spend it on the 4 family birthdays coming up.
I would spend it on bills.
I was really upfront about my health issues with my boyfriend. I’m thankful that he took interest in understanding everything, and even attends infusions with me when his schedule allows!
XO, SS || Seersucker Sass
That’s awesome that he attends infusions with you! My ex attended one of mine – and he also took me to a couple of ER visits, minor medical procedures, etc. – and it made me feel a lot better about his understanding of my health situation. It can be difficult, but the right partner really helps!
I would put it toward a vacation that I’m hoping will happen in March. It will be my first in 7 years!!
I’m saving for a vacation to Charleston,SC – we’ve been talking about it for months and it looks like we can finally go this summer.
Mercy! I have three kids in college so this would go straight toward textbooks!
SUCH an advocate of sharing the spoon theory…I feel like everyone needs to know it! Great post, Kate! Just pinned it!
Thank you! Spoon theory is AMAZING, right?