I was going to have a great update of what I did this Fourth of July up today or tomorrow, but then my body had other plans for me. I basically dropped off the face of the planet (other than my prescheduled tweets and such) for a little over 48 hours, finally reemerging to tweet about how I felt semi-alive on Saturday.
So, what happened? Well, it was a combination of things. (Feel free to just read the bolded words. The rest after that is an explanation of it. I won’t be offended if you just want to skip around.)
1. My knee is a jerk. I’m 1 step closer to getting it fixed, and on the 3rd I finally started physical therapy. The results of my doctor’s appointment on the 1st was that I’m doing physical therapy for around 6 weeks and then, if there’s no improvement, we’re going to set a date for surgery. No meniscus tear – although that was the belief for the past 2 months – and instead there is a mechanical, structural issue. No ligaments are torn and, other than a cyst, fluid, and a thickening along my kneecap and tendon, everything is fine. However, we believe that there’s a problem with something called the plica, meaning one part of my knee is supposed to be all one part and instead is three. (That’s the short version.)
In order to reduce the inflammation in my knee due to the plica and arthritis – the inflammation is causing me to dislocate my knee – my physical therapist has me switched from my patella-stabilizing brace to a compression sleeve. This means that my knee is sliding all over the place because my brace isn’t holding it in place, and I’m in more pain.
2. My brain is a jerk. I’ve mentioned before that I struggle with anxiety, and it has been really, really bad over the past couple of months (which probably isn’t helped by the fact that I haven’t been able to go to therapy since the middle of May due to my schedule and traveling).
3. Fibromyalgia is a jerk. There really isn’t much more to say about it than that.
Basically, my body is a jerk. Super high pain and my anxiety deciding to take the eff over my brain meant that I holed up in my apartment for 3 days, finally emerging because my pain was reduced when I woke up on Saturday, my anxiety reduced Saturday afternoon, and I was completely out of food. And almost out of coffee.
I’m doing a bit better now. But these experiences tend to shake me up. This isn’t the first time that this has happened to me, and it’s very unsettling. I think that feel worse about it this time because I’ve started having good days again. My infusion seems to be kicking in, but it’s very up and down. For every good day I have, I tend to have at least one bad day. The bad days feel worse because I’m coming off of good days and the memory of what those feel like is so fresh.
What’s the point of all this? One, to explain where I’ve been. Two, to explain what I did over the long weekend. Three, to let others who are dealing with this or something similar know that they are not alone. And if you need to shy away from the world for a few days, then that’s completely fine.